I feel guilty. I feel like I’ve committed crimes and sins against the sanctity of new parenthood by bitching so hard about it(even though bitching is my forte)especially because of how badly I wanted this baby after my miscarriage. I feel guilty because I’m still not all, “Oh being a mother is so wonderful!” because for me it’s still a daunting and painful task to care for this tiny human.
I know, you’re thinking, what a heartless bitch you are! He’s so perfect and adorable even though he is a ginger. And obviously he is incredibly cute. And you know what? From what I hear from the secret trenches of motherhood private messaged to me on Facebook and voicemails from my older relatives, Red Rasta is a good baby. He doesn’t have colic, he cries for a reason, wet diaper, hungry, gassy or wants a little mommy snuggle. His gross amount of spit up is normal according to the pediatrician. But I dread feeding him. It’s this long drawn out thing with the short feed on the breast, the bottle, burping continuously then holding him upright for at least 10 minutes then I pump, then I wash everything and sterilize it because yay, Red Rasta has thrush which is a yeast infection in his little mouth that I caught on my boobs. Yes, I have a yeasty beasty on my tittays. And do you know how I discovered that? From burning killer pain not only during feeding but for a long time after feeding- just burning inexplicable(at the time) pain.
The pumping is so I can supplement his feeds with my own milk instead of formula and I usually get enough for 3 or 4 feeds by pumping during the day after each feeding. But it’s exhausting. And I have no time in between to nap since it’s only about an hour and by the time I lie down and shut my eyes it’s time to start the whole thing all over again. So I got the idea that if I can just increase my supply and get more milk while pumping then maybe I could get ahead and not have to pump after each feeding. So I baked lactation cookies and I’ve been stuffing my face with them the past two days in addition to Mother’s Milk tea and my daily Guinness.
Yesterday was Red Rasta’s weekly weigh in and he has gained 6 ounces which is great and they told me I don’t have to bring him next week, we can come in two weeks since he is on track. So… I have made the decision to stop pumping after every feed during the day. I’m trying to pump every other instead and I feel incredibly guilty. But I cannot keep this up. I know many women out there who are feeding and pumping so they don’t have to give their baby the poison that is formula but I am not one of those women and I accept it. If I don’t make enough milk to supplement every breastfeeding session then I will just give him formula. It’s food. He has been having formula since week 2 and he has gained over a pound and has grown an inch. He’s still getting breastmilk and that formula is helping him bulk up. And who knows? Maybe the lactation cookies will kick in and I’ll be making extra milk any minute now. Oh and you may be wondering if I endorse motherhood yet…nope. Still think it’s not all it’s cracked up to be, although my nipples are all cracked up* ZING!
*They are not actually cracked. Just red and painful, now excuse me while I go apply my triple nipple ointment.