Motherhood Week 5: A Terrifying Kind of Love

Ugh, still here with my baby. I’m starting to get used to my new horrible life that does not revolve around me. Logically, I knew that everything was going to change when the Red Rasta appeared on the scene. I knew something in me was different when I was pregnant because when I thought about dying  I was way freaked out about how Husband would care for the baby in the sad event of my death, rather than my normal existential crisis.  I got life insurance so he could hire a hideously ugly nanny to care for our spawn if I were to be killed in a freak accident or some shit.

Now he’s here and he’s so small and defenseless and his head is so damn wobbly and his butt is so teeny that he swims in the newborn diapers and I swim in the river of pee he likes to shoot out of said diapers. Caring for him is scary, yo. And messy. So if you’ve been following along my bitching and complaining motherhood journey,  you know I’ve been having trouble with breastfeeding because Red Rasta was born so tiny and I’ve been struggling with the decision to supplement with formula to help him grow because breast is best and all that.  Now with the thrush situation breastfeeding is just getting worsa and worsa. He’s starting to refuse the breast

I DGAF about nipple confusion. Put that binky back in my mouth,bitch.

I DGAF about nipple confusion. Put that binky back in my mouth,bitch.

presumably because the bottle is so much easier, so he nurses briefly then screams like a banshee so I give him his supplemental milk(either pumped milk or formula) and he settles right the fuck down. But last night  as he was wailing I saw something white on the roof of his mouth and I thought oh shit, the thrush is spreading and I didn’t even notice. Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to nurse because it’s hurting him. I promptly burst into tears because I was thinking how could I have not noticed that and I am an even shittier mother than I thought.

After I got him swaddled and sleeping last night I was suddenly overcome with fear and worry that what I saw in in his mouth is not thrush that it’s some kind of deadly infection.  And that he’s spitting up because his stomach is malformed and that he could be dying. Then I got really crazy, I leaned over his rock and play and I POKED HIM to make sure he was alive. He was and he didn’t wake up thank God. But I was so overwhelmed with awful frightening thoughts, because even though this motherhood thing is so shitty and exhausting and I’m mourning my old life hard, he’s my little baby. I think I’m starting to love him like I thought I would and it is absolutely terrifying.

On the positive tip(I know, shocking that I even have a positive tip but I totally do) I just got back from the doctor and yes while yes his thrush was not cured(nor mine, my boobies be screamin’)and he needs some stronger medicine, the terrifying white thing I saw in his mouth was in fact, just his gums. Heh. I told you bitches I don’t know nothin about birthin no babies. Or what their gums look like. 


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