Motherhood Week 6: Not getting better and when the F&#^ will you smile?

“It gets better!

“Wait until he smiles at you!”

A friend of mine(and mother of three) told me that it actually doesn’t get better. Everyone is lying. More crap just piles up and then you quietly go insane and cover it up with mommy wine time.  IS THAT TRUE? It sounds true. This mommy wants wine. This mommy has been drinking a Guinness or two a day for “my milk” which is rapidly turning into giving more and more formula much to my shame and horror.

I confessed to one of my childless(stay that way if you don’t want to turn into me!) friends that I’m pretty much giving up on breastfeeding. Luckily, this person is a supportive friend, she told me to do what I needed to do and it’s nobody’s business and I don’t need to tell anyone. But here I am telling the world!(well the handful of people that read my blog- shout out to my mama, love you!) I think mothers who hate breastfeeding need to know they aren’t alone. 

I feel like I really tried. But with my nipples glowing like two fiery beacons in the night and the shooting pains I get even when I’m not breastfeeding, I’ve had enough. If you never hear from me again it’s because I’ve been taken out by a La Leche sniper. But… giving him a bottle is so much easier. He drinks it down, I know how much he’s getting and I don’t have to look into his sweet blue eyes with a horrible grimace on my face thinking,” YOU ARE HURTING ME SO MUCH AND I HATE FEEDING YOU.”  I know breast is best but having your mom hate feeding you can’t be good for the baby either. Outwardly, it would appear that I give 0 fucks about what people think, but I care so much, too much. Every time someone gives me a suggestion on how I could keep breastfeeding with a nipple shield or some home remedy for thrush I feel so ashamed and guilty that I don’t want to try. I just want to feed my baby without physical pain and emotional suffering. Mama needs to quit paying the night nanny and go back to therapy.

Yesterday I stopped feeding him at the breast and switched entirely to bottles. I’m pumping 4 or 5 times a day so I am able to give him breast milk almost half of his feedings but I don’t get enough out of the pumps to feed him only breast milk.   I really wanted to breastfeed, I knew it could be challenging because I took a class while I was pregnant but that class did not prepare me for how udderly  awful (zing! Cow pun) I would feel about my failure to complete this basic motherhood task.

My miscarriage was the worst failure my body could possibly go through but not being able to stand breastfeeding is a close second. I know from my googles “I hate breastfeeding”  that I am not alone but I also know that I’m not the majority either.

And…I’m still not enjoying motherhood. I mean, I have had a few moments where I’m like, Red Rasta you are so cute! And I like when he makes his weird grunting monster sounds. And it’s nice to hold him when he’s sleeping and when he’s not crying and just looking around all content n’ shit.  But I’m so tired and we can’t afford the night nanny anymore and I keep thinking why can’t we be rich? Why can’t we live at Downton Abbey and have hell of night nurses? Why didn’t I pursue some sort of lucrative career that would allow us to throw buckets of money at our problems? WHY AM I NOT A MOVIE STAR? A lot of parents have told me things improve at around 12 weeks. We’re halfway there but heads are gonna roll if they don’t! Just kidding! Only Red Rasta’s head will roll, and that’s because he has  little to no  head/neck control yet. But I make him work out every day. 

 I accept that things might not get better but I could really use a real smile from the Red Rasta.

It's just gas, bitch.

It’s just gas, bitch.


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